NBA Playoff Haterade II: Ranked by Who I Want to Win the Finals the Least (Week 2)

April 23, 2023

~~Team quitter~~ Groin striker James Harden and his rip-through foul-hunting bullshit. He never shows up in the playoffs anyway but heaven forbid groin kicker Joel drags his sorry ass along for a ring.

Phoenix Suns

Ranking: 2
Last Ranking: 2

I can put more bad things about the Suns, but shouldn’t they be at least slightly worried that they are barely beating a Clips team without Kawhi and PG13?

Boston Celtics

Ranking: 3
Last Ranking: 3

Add Blake Griffin’s mustache to the list of offenses.

Tier 2: I Think I Still Hate them

Memphis Grizzlies

Ranking: 4
Last Ranking: 4

Current NBA regulations: “If the junk is decked, you must eject.”

Atlanta Hawks

Ranking: 5
Last Ranking: 6

I know the Hawks thought they were drafting Steph 2.0, but the difference is everyone on the Dubs loves Curry. Everyone on the Hawks looks miserable.

Tier 3: I Would Spend More Time Thinking About It But There’s No Chance

Minnesota Timberwolves

Ranking: 6
Last Ranking: 8

The only reason to have them go longer is to see how many rounds before someone else tries to punch Rudy Gobert.

New York Knicks

Ranking: 7
Last Ranking: 9

RJ Barrett trying to avoid the long history of wasted Knicks draft picks.

RJ=MJ

Miami Heat

Ranking: 8
Last Ranking: 7

After I learned that Jimmy Butler was a huge coffee fan and actually has his own premium coffee business, I guess I have to bump them up?

Tier 4: No Strong Feelings

Sacramento Kings

Ranking: 9
Last Ranking: 12

I have to pull them down a couple of spots here for every time they pulled on Draymond’s leg.

Los Angeles Clippers

Ranking: 10
Last Ranking: 5

It bears repeating: WHERE WAS HUSTLE WESTBROOK THESE LAST TWO YEARS? I would move them at least three spots up if Ballmer would pay for a decent rebranding with a good logo. That or make Clippy the actual mascot.